Here's how you get even: You a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. He has a soft heart and a head to match. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. His suitcase doesn't have a handle. How can one expect a state like that to hold together? Sit down and give your mind a rest. There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em. Nota Bene: the Notable Epigrams of Ben Franklin A man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decencies without civilization in between. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm. I certainly hope you are sterile. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. A man's face is his autobiography. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe. Even worse, if you play it forward you'll hear Nickelback. Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds. Mark Twain wrote volumes exposing and expounding on the massive illogic of orthodox Christianity he had the temerity to be a heretic, but had to hold up the publication of his anti-Christian opus Letters from the Earth for fifty years after his death, in order to protect his family from hellfire-spouting Christian fundamentalists. If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say no in any of them. Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure. He's the kind of man who picks his friends — to pieces. Rockefeller Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.
You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed. Our religion is made to eradicate vices, instead it encourages them, covers them, and nurtures them. Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine? Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. Kaye's The Far Pavillions What is art? Only an incredibly cruel and unjust God would remain hidden, forcing human beings to guess which religion is the true one, sending all the poor people who guessed wrong to a place where they will suffer forever. Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly. How do I set the laser printer to stun? Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head! Ask someone who can't drive, Hey, are you free on Saturday? Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
Then I realized it was his date. Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?. When someone asks, Hey, should I submit this joke to the magazine? Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance? The Errors of a Wise Man make your Rule Rather than the Perfections of a Fool. Do you always mask insults with humor? Someone should tear you down and put up a human being. Such an epigram can be the salvo a brilliant, battle-savvy epigrammatist launches against human ignorance, intolerance, cruelty and insanity: There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. We don't know about anything that's happening outside our country.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference. Fields Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Sports Shorts Joe Namath, roasting Dean Martin: I'm known for the long bomb and Dean. Cobb If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. You could be seen too clearly. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? The way of the world is to make laws, but follow custom. His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. I say that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.
When someone does something extremely fast. I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that! Not all men are annoying, some are dead. What's the latest dope - besides you? It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. When someone asks, Why can't I do this? I told him not to act like a fool. And all we had to do to accomplish that was vote out every single Republican! Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another? Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.